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rubixskube's Blog


Seperated By Miles, Joined By Heart...

I am so happy with my life these days....!! I have well and truly turned a corner when I had convinced myself that I was on a one-way straight road to self-destruction.

Why...? I hear you ask...? --- I'm in love...!!! :))

I have met a girl on EP, who is everything I have ever hoped for in a girl and more... all it took was a comment on a mutual experience. We got talking, and our conversations became Facebook messages, voice messages, songs and photos... we have gotten to know each other so well, and share so much in our lives. She is the one person in my life I can say genuinely understands me, who can make me smile no matter how dark my mood. She is the one that makes all the bad thoughts and feelings disappear in a heartbeat --- and should we not talk for even a day..... it feels like years, and we miss each other like crazy.

The crazy thing is, we both ended up on EP in exactly the same way... we both googled 'I Hate Myself' during dark periods in our lives, and we ended up here. I genuinely do not know why she sees herself as being so ugly and unattractive, because she is anything but --- she is a physically and mentally beautiful human being, and I'm determined to make her believe that, to see herself as I do. 

Here's the obstacle to our relationship, well... not really a massive obstacle, I call it more 'a catch'....  nothing that can't be overcome. I am in England, she is in South Africa. We have discussed either her visiting me mid-next year, or me visiting her... I feel such a connection to her on so many levels, and I am determined not to let the opportunity of a lifetime slip away. It is my belief that if a girl falls for you, you should always be there to catch her. My greatest fear is that when we do meet, that I'll be a disappointment to her... it haunts my thoughts every day. I love her with every ounce of my soul, but part of me believes she is too beautiful for me, and that she could do so much better.... she assures me that she loves me, and nothing will stand in our way, so much so... that we now refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, long distance... for now.

So hopefully, here's to a long and happy future with the girl I consider the love of my life, I guess only time will tell :)

Triumph & Adversity, Highs & Lows...

Ok, first of all.... hey there everybody...!! Sorry its been so long, but I figured it was about time I got off my arse and talking on here again :)

Well... I'm a year older, yeah... celebrated my 29th birthday on June 9th, and I've decided, given that its next stop 30 --- I will remain 29 forever now...! haha :)

Life seems pretty steady at the moment, I'm gradually getting my confidence back, I've figured out a lot of things about a lot of people, and who was only in my life to get something from me, but that is a situation that has now been rectified... and I feel much better for it. Also, I've taken up bodybuilding to improve my self-esteem and my fitness as a whole, making steps forward already and I have noticed a massive shift in my size and body shape... as a result of my improving self-esteem, I am even starting to walk with my old swagger again, never thought I'd hear myself saying that again if I'm honest! :) Life in general is on the way up.

But in every triumph there is always adversity. A friend of mine, Carl... who has stuck by me through a lot of hard times in my life without judging, is now battling brain cancer for the 3rd (and final) time. He has been told he is now terminal... and is now unable to leave his bed, or even speak without difficulty. This is a man who has battled the odds his whole life -- he was born blind, and has had numerous health problems throughout his 30 years on this earth, but has never let anything stop him from maintaining his dignity and from living life to the best of his ability. It was a massive shock to all of us when we learned of his terminal diagnosis, as he had been battling the disease since he was 25, undergone 2 operations to remove the tumour... and was coming to the end of his course of chemotherapy. But 2 months ago he became very weak and ill, and was admitted to hospital -- where he was told his illness was a direct result of a drastic increase in his tumour. It has been heartbreaking to see his slow decline... but everybody concerned is doing their very best to make his final months/weeks/days as comfortable as they possibly can.

It was this situation that became the kick up the arse I needed. I was sitting doing nothing... looking for pity and feeling sorry for myself, and over what...? relationships come and go, but the world doesn't stop turning... and the time that I've been spending pitying myself is time that my friend would absolutely love to have, just to be alive. I've taken life for granted, it is the greatest gift we have and it is a gift that does not always last very long. I've realized that I don't have it so bad after all... sure, my life hasn't been a bed of roses by any means, but there are those that have it much worse.

It was a wakeup call I needed, but one that has come at a cost. I only hope people can understand me when I say that I hope Carl finds peace sooner rather than later, rather than clinging to a life that is becoming more painful for him by the day.

Unacceptable....??

When your 16-year-old sister is dating a 28-year-old man, am I... as her elder brother, not allowed a view...? Am I expected to just be happy and shut my mouth...? Because truth be told, I'm not...! This guy has been around for ages, as a 'friend'... since just after she turned 15, even that -- I found slightly creepy, but they were doing nothing wrong so I just got on with it. The age of consent here is 16, and I must admit... with his being at my mums house on an almost constant basis, that it came as no surprise when he asked her to be his girlfriend as soon as she passed that particular barrier. I have made my feelings known, I do not accept it in the slightest... an age gap is not a problem but c'mon...!! What surprises me more is my parents' attitude towards it "he's nice to her, sooner him than some horny 16-year-old". What is wrong with this picture....?? My other sister discovered them both, on the same night, partially clothed, and in a hurry to cover themselves up under the bedcovers, this has never been my youngest sister's style, not her personality at all -- hence why the older of my sisters never knocked before she went into the bedroom. She immediately told ny mum, and was promptly ignored. Myself and my other sister have made our feelings absolutely clear on the subject, and we are torn down by my parents, and my 16-year-old sister, who now tells us she has no time for us. Is it wrong to have a view....?? I find the whole situation sick and unacceptable, what do you guys think...?

Maybe....?

Ok, as promised... an update on my situation.

I have been quite down lately, and have been contemplating whether life is, in fact, worth living for me these days. I think a combination of bad news and the reverse effect of my anti-depressants may have been a factor in this. But recent events have also taught me that life is too short to sit around, feeling bad and doing nothing about the very things that have made you that way in the first place, it is no way to move forwards.

So I decided, that after 4 months of non-contact, to take the bull by the horns. I reached out to my ex.... I did not have her phone number, and I was blocked on Facebook. So I decided that my only other option was to put all of my pent-up emotion into a letter. I ripped out 2 pages of my exercise book that I use as a journal/bad thoughts/lyrics book, and just let it all go. I struggled to keep back the tears as I poured my heart out, not knowing what would come of it.... maybe I'd just make things worse, but I had to try... as I said before, life is too short.

I finished the letter, folded it in quarters, and put it in an old brown windowed envelope, covering the window incase she saw my writing and decided to rip it up. I then headed out on my trip to her house.... my head swimming with thoughts as I boarded the bus, but I was sure I was doing the right thing.

I arrived at the bus stop, and walked to the top of her street, at which point my legs wouldn't carry me any further. My doubts got the better of me, I walked around the area, each time I tried to get near her house I had a massive adrenaline surge and backed out. Eventually I retreated to a friend's house who lives nearby, he noticed that I wad a shaking, nervous wreck, and asked what I was doing that had shaken me up so bad. I took the letter from my pocket and with my voice still quivering I said "I need to give her this, she needs to know, but I just can't do it...". My friend said to me "What do you think you are playing at...? get yourself down there right now and do it, do you like being full of regrets...? In fact, I'm going with you to make sure you do it."

So he puts on his coat, and almost physically drags me to her door. I run up her stairs and push the letter through her door, then vacate the area as quickly as possible. My friend says "there, you did it... It was hard for you, but trust me, you would have regretted it otherwise". An hour goes by, me and my friend are in Newcastle City centre by now, and I thought that maybe she had just ripped up the letter and ignored it... such had been her way with all my other attempts at contact - I had very low expectations.

So it was to my great surprise when her name flashed up on my phone.... (she still had my number...? I had forgotten to note it on the letter...) My heart was almost pounding out of my chest, the adrenaline was surging as I opened the message.

'kris, I have read your letter.... I opened my door when I saw you but you were gone. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through, please know that I have never, nor will I ever hate you. I have been acting like a complete b*tch to you, and I never meant any of it. I am just so surprised you still think of me in the way you do after the things I said. But just know that I can't let you handle this all on your own, I'm here if ever you need me, ok...?'

I couldn't believe it... I was gasping for air as I showed my friend what I had recieved. He read it then looked at me and smiled, he said "you see...? If you hadn't put that letter through her door would you be in this position now...?". I didn't know what to say to Mellissa, as it was so long since we'd had contact of any sort... and I was scared to say the wrong thing. But here I was, I had broken the ice... I had to say something.

'Nothing in this world could ever make me think bad of you, I've struggled, really I have... I haven't known where to turn. And the hardest part of it all was seeing you in town, and putting my head down and pretending I didn't know you, or turning in the other direction... that killed me. When all I wanted to do was talk, and the only voice I wanted to hear was yours.'

We exchanged texts in this vein for the rest of the day, and we still do... to this day. We even have begun cracking jokes about our age difference, the way we always did... it is like I've found a long lost friend again. I am aware that she is still with her boyfriend (DB) ... so for that reason I am willing to live with it, use small building blocks... and if necessary, as much as I despise him, have interaction with DB too. I will do anything to make things right, as a friend first and foremost... and if one day DB cuts and runs... (as Mellissa's friends think he will, as per his track record) ... well, you never know, time knows best. :)

True love, after all... never dies.

Love, as I see it through blue eyes...

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Don't dwell on how it ended, thank God that it began. You may hold my hand no longer, but forever you'll hold my heart.

Its nearly 6 months now, and it is still as if it was yesterday. The day you told me, that you didn't love me anymore on the phone. My first and only ever real love, we may not have been perfect to ourselves... but to each other we were beyond, there was no finer feeling in the world than to walk holding your hand... to show the world 'thats my girl, isn't she beautiful...?. We were born for each other, she had come home from Northern Ireland with a baby daughter and physical and mental scars. She had endured an abusive relationship for the previous 2 years, and was used to being treated like dirt. But I came along and promised her that she would never suffer like that again. As a child I had witnessed my mother being routinely beaten by my father, and left me with a deep hatred of those that abuse, and a deep respect and love for its survivors. I said to her -- 'I'd sooner die than hurt you in any way, it makes me cry to think that somebody could hurt something as precious as you'. And I meant it... I'd do my best to show her the life she deserved, feel the love that she needed... unconditionally.

It was true love, it was as if fate had taken over that day on the street in town. From the moment I looked into your golden eyes, so close I could even see the tiniest black dot in the gold of your right eye... I was mesmerized. From that moment on, everyone else in the world ceased to exist but you, me, and Amber.

I was 27 and you were 19... but love never knew age, and I am something of an overgrown child at heart, and we had the most amazing adventures... childish and innocent. We sat on the swings in a park one day and we looked at each other, and I said... 'Mellissa, what do you see in me...? I mean, you are beautiful... and I'm just, well... me'. You smiled at me and said - 'you are beautiful, inside and out... you take me for what I am, I'm not perfect... but you make me feel it. That is why I'm with you... I love you'. I could have cried, we hugged and took pictures by the lakeside in the sunset... on that warm April afternoon, is this what heaven felt like...? because if it did, I never wanted to leave.

We were Krissy & Lissy, hell-raisers and love-makers.... after so many years of loneliness, I had finally found what it was like to be loved... you took all the bad things in my life and threw them in the sea, they meant nothing anymore. You had this great ability, of making me, even as a man... cry with your words. 'Do you believe in magic...? Because when I felt alone and unloved, I waved my magic wand and you walked into my life...' --- even in public, I was like a baby, but I couldn't care less. We were going to that old couple that walked the beach holding hands after 80 years of marriage, then go home... and sweetly pass away in each other's arms -- together forever.

I became Amber's daddy too... the first time she called me that, I thought to myself 'at last, my life is complete'. The way I look at it, biology means nothing when it comes to being a real father... my stepdad is living proof of that, the man I have come to call 'dad' for 20 years of my life... a great man, and everything a father should be in everything but blood. If I could be to Amber half of what he is to me... then I'd be doing ok. I loved every moment I spent with her.... even when I dozed off and was promptly woken by 'the daddy wakey-up stick'... she giggled so much, and her little smile was a joy to see. It was the sweet moments I treasured, like when I would be lying on my stomach watching TV, and she would lie on my back and hug me... and say in her babbling toddler language 'i love you daddy'. Even thinking of these moments as I write this brings tears to my eyes. The thought of you standing there, with your head against the doorframe, looking at us... with the proud look of a mother thats thinking -- 'there's my babies...'.

There was nothing in the world I would not have done for you, I would have stepped in front of a speeding train to keep you safe.... and if anybody ever upset you or made you cry, then they'd have me to deal with. We were each other's shoulders to cry on... you were there for me when the Good Lord took my friend Joel, aged only 34... and I was there for you when your amazing mother was told she had cancer. I hugged you tight and I could feel your pain, I had lost many people in my life... most recently my grandma through cancer, I closed my eyes as you cried... and I tried to take away your pain, because to feel you like this was like a knife to my heart... and if I could take it all away from you I'd do it in a heartbeat. We were destined to be together... you picked me up at my lowest and made me feel like I was 100 feet tall. I would sometimes lie there as you slept... listening to you breathe, looking at your peaceful face as you were dreaming... waiting for that split second in time when you would open your eyes, before realisation and thought could touch those golden eyes. I looked into your eyes, golden with a tiny black dot... you were wearing no makeup, and your hair was wild, but if a picture could capture true beauty, then this was its very definition.

We became engaged, I made a complete fool of myself in my favourite rock bar... hijacking the mic and taking over the tannoy system... 'everybody, can I have your attention please.... there is a girl in this room now, who has changed my life forever, I used to think being alone and single was great... I kinda got used to it... freedom...! and all that stuff, but that girl over there *points to Mellissa* has made me realise that if freedom means I will miss out on all of this, then I don't wanna be free... I'd sooner have bad times with you than great times alone... I love you Mellissa, so how about it, do you fancy being Mrs. Me for like... forever...?'. You said yes and I literally jumped from the stage, with the whole room applauding... ran over to you and placed the ring that I had cunningly hidden, ob your finger... it fit perfectly. And I hugged you so tight, my eyeliner streaked down my face (i was in my goth regalia) ... the pinnacle of my life. I have been there since, and its like I'm seeing ghosts... I see myself up on stage, and I see you sitting in our seat, no matter how much I try, and I have been going there since I was 18, this remains my abiding memory of that bar, the epitome of what I had, and what I lost.

These are only drops in the ocean of the life we had, and I struggle to make people understand just what you were to me. They say 'get over it'... they sigh at me and block me out as if to say 'here he goes again'. But they never lived in our shoes, they never saw you the way I did... they only dwell on the way our love died, I prefer to remember the way it lived.

"I'll love you until the day we cuddle up warm in bed for the last time and say - goodnight darling, I'll see you in heaven..." --- you to me.

True love never dies, my first... my only true love, I miss you.

A Tribute...

Unrelated to the post below....

A self-made tribute to my mentor, and a man I considered a true friend --- Mr Joel T. Milburn. Just thought I'd share it with my friends here on EP.


The Ultimate Finality.... The Ulimate Strength.

Ok, been having some rather philosophical thoughts lately.... 

My family recently became aware of the death of a long-standing family friend... however we only became aware of this after the event itself, and after his funeral. My family, needless to say, were not happy about it... and admittedly it was a massive blow, as we had only seen him a couple of weeks previously. We heard that his wife of 30+ years had woken up to find him lying cold next to her, apparently after suffering a massive heart attack during the night... he was only 61 years old, and a young 61 at that.

It got me thinking... I have been torturing myself over my relationship, and admittedly I still do --- because of the way it ended, and my lack of closure/communication. However, I began to think --- 'if this is how I was after a year of a relationship, how must Linda (our friend's widow) have been feeling after 30+ years of solid marriage...?'. I pride myself on my ability to empathize with a lot of people, I try and put myself in their shoes and feel at least some degree of what they are feeling... that way I can be more supportive to them. But I sat down that day and thought... Linda has known little else but happy marriage for over half her life, they did everything together, and were a very loving couple --- now she has to face up to life without that, however long that may be, how must that feel for a person....? especially when it came so suddenly...? I could never even comprehend how to deal with a situation like that, given that I suffered a breakdown following my relationship's demise. It made me feel so selfish, like such a sympathy-seeker... because  of the way I had acted. When all is said and done, Mellissa (my ex) is still out there.... living and breathing, as long as this is the case then there is always a chance at redemption, but for Linda, the love of her life is gone.... she can never hug him or feel his warmth anymore, the ultimate finality.

But she has shown tremendous strength in how she has acted, she has put on a brave face and carried on with life. After all, the world keeps on turning, right...? She has had to face his death, arrange funeral, as well as inform people as to the bad news. I could never have mustered the strength to do such a thing, and carry on with my life. My problems were absolutely nothing in comparison and I was an inconsolable wreck.

Her willpower inspires me...

Sometimes the ultimate finality brings out the ultimate strength, the strength to deal with anything, the strength to get up off you butt and say 'I loved you... but I'm not gonna go with you.... I'm have to carry on... I'll make you proud until the day we meet again...' 

Chris Lambadaros --- I cannot thank you enough.... in death, you have taught me how precious life truly is.

Rest In Peace dear friend,  and watch over Linda, one day you'll be together again..... until then, she will do you proud. <3

Fighting My Principles...

Hello to everybody.... :)

Wow...! what a few days I've had.... for starters, I'm ill... I have a severe infection in my ear that has made one side of my head/face swell, so I could currently be mistaken for the Elephant Man... not good for the old self-esteem when going outside huh...? But life goes on I guess, and hopefully I'll be back to my gorgeous (lol) self before too long... ;))

But anyways, been making a few key decisions in my life, cutting loose the 'dead weight' if you will. I have ended my associations with a few of the people in my life that I consider 'double-agents'... or users. It hasn't pleased these people, and I have found myself explaining my reasons... it is amazing how much people will lie when cornered with the truth, even people who you thought you'd forgiven... there are some things in your life that will never go away, and whenever you see a certain person you are reminded of a certain event that happened involving that person. It becomes too much, in this instance it is one of my dad's rugby team-mates. Who I found out was putting the moves to my now-ex fiance while I was still with her, at the time I kept the peace... for the sake of the team and for the sake of my relationship, I was always willing to give people a second chance and move on with my life. Maybe I was foolish to do so, in hindsight I was... because it allowed the same thing to happen again with 2 other guys (one of whom she is now with)

But 4 months down the line, this 'friend' had been taking my side, saying "oh Kris, Kris, she's terrible, I hate what she did to you... bla-bla-bla...". Only for me to find out he has been attempting to sweet-talk her again behind my back... (without success) --- the past became an issue again. I know she is no longer my problem, but given that I allowed his previous indiscretion to slip below my radar... I consider this a massive betrayal from somebody who I thought had learned a lesson, I have told him that I will be cordial with him when I see him, but that is as far as it goes... it is all about principles with me... am I being harsh on him...?

And another girl, who regular comes to me for relationship advice... again, someone I know through my dad's team, I have found out has been cheating on her boyfriend. Now I find myself in a dilemma, I cannot willingly go against her boyfriend for his wrongdoings knowing what she is doing to him... but nor can I 'spill the beans' so to speak... it is not my place to do so. I have minimized my contact with her. Again, it would be easy for me to be biased and defend her... as she is/was a friend, but my strength of principle forbids it.  Again.... I feel good about my decision, but am I doing the right thing...? Or am I being ever so slightly old-fashioned and square...? :/


I dunno... :/

I know I like to rant a little bit on my blog, I do apologise for that, but I've found people on EP are very impartial and always have sensible, points of view, so that I think here best place for my rantings, I value everybody's opinions... :))

I dunno...


A Rock & A Hard Place...

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Adolescent metalhead Vs. Adult rationalist...

Ok, I need to have my say about this... whether or not you are interested depends on your musical taste I guess, or your views on celebrities' rights and culture may drive you to comment... either way, I need to vent here.

My subject is one W. Axl Rose, as one fifth of Guns N' Roses, the soundtrack to my life. I am a massive lover of his music, and no matter where he performs, I would crawl through hell to watch him perform, I will be attending one such concert next month when GNR come to my hometown of Newcastle. However, my faith in him took a little bit of a blow with the news that he was pulling a no-show at the R&R hall of fame ceremony. The metalhead 90's kid in me was dreaming of a reunion of the original 5-piece lineup, even if just for one night... the ending of a feud. But it seems as though some relationships are beyond repair, and with Slash, it seems that is firmly the case here.

Does the guy even listen to his fans anymore...? We've called him out for years to just let bygones be bygones... the ceremony was the perfect chance to do that, but yet again -- throws a barrage of pretty poor excuses at us in the form of a rambling letter. To a degree I can respect his unwillingness to accept large sums of money to do a full-scale reunion/tour etc. It shows moral, that his reasons are beyond finance... so in that sense my argument is slightly hypocritical. But the fan in me cannot help but feel like he is taking things little too far now... the original band has been dead and buried for nearly 16 years now, surely we... the fans who made him what he is, deserve what we want at least one more time...? Ego's aside...? I donno... maybe its just the adolescent me talking again.... what do people think...?

Appetite For Destruction...!!

Giving serious consideration, against my better character.... to going down and cussing out my ex for the things I'm being told. I am not easily angered, truth be told I am somewhat of a pacifist.... but when somebody who I gave my undivided love to, went through some horrendous things to keep her happy.... is more than prepared to let me rot, denying me even 2 minutes of her time for a phonecall for my own peace of mind. Yet is more than happy spending 6 hours talking in a sexually-charged way to a smelly, drug-taking, convicted girl-beater who she claimed she couldn't stand.... takes things up a level in my eyes. I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, but this guy is horrendously ugly... and to make matters worse, he plays for my dads rugby side, and SHE has a boyfriend! I'm an easygoing guy, but for somebody I gave my life to, my very soul... to cheapen and disregard me, the things I did for her and the life I gave her.... in favour of lowlife scum, has somewhat roused the savage animal in me. If it werent for my former stepdaughter being in the house, I'd go there and make my feelings about her quite clear. I might still ---- I don't know... my head is thumping.

I can't fight my broken heart...

I'm having a bad day today.... I am so low you wouldn't believe. I'm missing my ex-fiance more than ever. I'd give anything just to be able to talk to her as my best friend again.... whenever I was low I always had her to turn to, to remind me that there was always something out there worth living for, a ray of sunshine in a dreary sky. I really don't know what I did to make her turn against me so bad, I only wish I could know... did I not love her enough? I only wish she knew how much she truly meant (and still means) to me and how much I miss her.... it has been 4 months and the pain is still so raw, I don't know how to fight my broken heart any more....

My Anthem....



Its all in the lyrics for me, almost biographic.... in my life it seems like I'm always learning to walk again. Plus the immortal line which sums up my relationship ---- "I never wanna leave, I'll never say goodbye, Forever...? Whatever...!"

An Appreciation Of Beauty...

I like the beautiful things in life.... natural beauty is what appeals to me. I was born with an appreciation of colours and pretty things, unusual for a boy I guess... but it has somewhat shaped the person I have become as an adult. I have grown to despise fakery, both physical and mental... and consider myself a fairly good judge of a sincere character, not a lot of people understand this. I see people in my day-to-day life that could be considered physically beautiful, but this can conceal a rather wicked and dark personality... so my general idea about people is to not judge by the first, physical impression.

True beauty can be hidden behind the most unlikely of exteriors... this is why I despise shows such as X-Factor, it is all so superficial and looks-driven... the epitome of everything I hate in this world --- true talent has often been overlooked because they don't 'fit the mould' image-wise. Maybe that's an unfair and unjust way to think, but its just a personal opinion I guess... I wasn't raised to be as superficial as some people.

My appreciation of beauty translates into a lot of aspects in my life... I grow Lilies, I draw things... I write things, yeah... even words hold a beautiful mystique for me....! -- the way I see it, if written correctly, a simple paragraph can hold more beauty than a field full of colours, and I wouldn't mind, growing up... I hated English lessons...! :) English for me was the most boring subject in school (aside from maths) --- it is strange how age and experience can clear your vision...! :))

Anyway... short, nonsensical rant over.... *climbs down from soap box* :))


You cant help who you love, and I don't know how to deal with it.... :(

I guess you can't help who you love can you...? I found myself walking over old memories today, quite literally. Been thinking about my ex-fiance a lot lately... been telling people (mainly family) a lot of lies, that I dont care anymore, that I could easily walk past her in the street these days. Truth being, I've dreamed of her for the past few nights... I wonder what she's doing right now, if she thinks about me. I hide it all very well, and tell people that I'd never have her back. But I dont know how much longer I can continue the pretence. Every moment I spent with her made me feel like the luckiest guy alive, there was just 'something' between us, every hug made all of my bad feelings disappear, something I had never felt before and have never felt since. Even after all that has happened, I have not spoken to her for 2 months... I felt myself today wanting to be near her... so I went to my friends house, who lives near her. I found myself walking by her house - I never broke stride. I tried not to think of the memories I had made in that house, beautiful memories... the sort of memories to erase a lifetime of low self esteem. It was hard for me, she was in there, because the light was on... all I needed to do was knock, and I'd see her, deep down I want to not care any more. I want to be able to pass her in the street, but I still have so much love for her... I'd run into a burning building to save her. I realise im rambling a bit, but I really dont know how to explain this any better. In the same way, I dont know what I would have done had she come out of her house, what I could have said... just being somewhere that held such a special place in my heart, was enough for me... I have not seen her or spoken to her in so long, but I needed to feel love, a memory from long ago.... without disrupting anyones life. I am becoming more and more aware that I am living a lie in denying to people that I still love her, and I hope people on here dont think im crazy.... but u really dont know how better to say this, or who else to turn to... I'm sorry.

1-14 of 14 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Seperated By Miles, Joined By Heart..., posted November 21st, 2012, 1 comment
Triumph & Adversity, Highs & Lows..., posted July 15th, 2012
Unacceptable....??, posted June 13th, 2012, 1 comment
Maybe....?, posted May 20th, 2012, 1 comment
Love, as I see it through blue eyes..., posted May 17th, 2012
A Tribute..., posted May 15th, 2012
The Ultimate Finality.... The Ulimate Strength., posted May 13th, 2012, 1 comment
Fighting My Principles..., posted May 3rd, 2012
A Rock & A Hard Place..., posted April 22nd, 2012, 3 comments
Adolescent metalhead Vs. Adult rationalist..., posted April 15th, 2012, 2 comments
Appetite For Destruction...!!, posted April 12th, 2012
I can't fight my broken heart..., posted April 10th, 2012
My Anthem...., posted April 6th, 2012, 1 comment
An Appreciation Of Beauty..., posted April 5th, 2012, 1 comment
You cant help who you love, and I don't know how to deal with it.... :(, posted March 30th, 2012, 6 comments

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